That would be a bad thing...
by Guardian Demon
Summary: Guess what, I gots threeeeee chapters now!!! YAY! Sooooo, that means you get to read the latest one! You know the drill, i'm still at Hogwarts...... Read, enjoy, review!!!!!
1. How It All Started- 3/4/01

That would be a bad thing…

Author's Note: CHALLENGE FIC!!! (I don't think I really need to say whose it is…) Anyhoozles, heeeeeere are the requirements:

*Someone needs to say "sore wa himitsu desu" which means, "Now that's a secret" in Japanese.

*someone's eyeball needs to itch

*it needs to rain cats and dogs… literally…

*a character needs to win 2nd place in something (go 2nd place!!)

*it must have a plot (I have no chance of winning without one, according to the all-mighty METMA Mandy…)

*it needs to be funny

*Must include "Ewww….Ron, what did you DO to my BED???"

*Must include purple underpants. ^ ^

*And lastly, must include a telemarketer!

Sooo… on with de ficcy!!!

Oh yeah, guess what? (All: WHAT?) It's NOT a cliché! (All: *gaspies*) *bows* youre too kind really…

~*~*~

It was a normal day--- well, at least as normal as it ever gets at my house. Which is not normal at all, but I'm rambling now so--- anyway. I was on the computer, as usual (I really should get one of those "life" things everyone else seems to have…) when suddenly the phone rang.

"Ring! Ring!" I cursed silently at myself for repeating an idea and picked up the phone.

"Hello? Are you with the police? If you are, I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!!!! NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Click. I hung up the phone. "Blasted telemarketers," I muttered and went back to surfing. (No, you idiots, surfing the WEB! '~' Yeah, I bring my laptop out on my surfboard…) Of course, being myself, I hit ff.n to check up on my reviews, when I spotted something… was it possible? YES! I won second place in METMA Mandy's latest challenge! Woohoo! I was getting started on a great victory party when suddenly--- boy, i *love* surprises--- I got sucked through the plot hole (now where did that come from?) into the Gryffindor common room.

"Cool!" I said to the little voices in my head. "I can wreak some havoc!" I pulled out my nifty little notebook and started writing. Hey, what the- why wasn't my pencil working? I pulled out the one fountain pen that Pyro Sarah and Draco hadn't burned at my New Year's party- nope, that didn't work either. It was time for… PLAN X! I whipped out my heavy-duty arsenal of thirty gel pens. Nope… nope… nope… nuh-uh… Something had to be wrong. Gel pens *never* fail! Then it hit me. I had heard of this, of course, but to happen to me, of all people… I flopped backwards onto a beanbag chair, sending multicolored pens rolling all over the floor. It was the dreaded curse of… (cue dramatic music) WRITER'S BLOCK!!!!! (*audience gasps*)

THE END

Hahaha, just kidding. So anyhoo, I was stuck at Hogwarts without my fanfic-author powers. Just then, I realized that if the students found a powerless author, which was me, they'd torture me. Fortunately, my hair was dyed black with color hairspray and I was wearing my purple contacts. Phew. That was a close one! Then all the students burst through the portrait hole, slipping on my pens and falling everywhere. I laughed, because obviously it was funny. Harry spotted me and walked over. 

"Hi, who are you?"

"Um- Catelyn," I lied. Mustn't give out my true identity, now. Just then I clapped a hand to my face. "Aah! My eyeball itches!"

"Your *eyeball* itches?"

"Contact lenses- oh- d'you have those here?" I faked a British accent- which was pretty good, if I say so myself. Fixing my contact, I walked over to the stairs. A shriek came from the girl's dormitory.

"EWWW!!!!! Ron, what did you DO to my BED???" Harry and I rushed up the stairs and pushed the doors open to find Hermi looking furious and Ron looking, well, red. Hermi's bed was covered in Ron's spilled potion he had been making as homework.

"Okay," I said, "Ron, why was your potion in Hermi's room?"

"We-ell, I brought it in here so she could check whether it was right or not, and then I tripped over her stupid cat and spilled it!"

"I can see that," I retorted, glancing at the bed. Ron turned even redder. Harry waved his wand, and the mess disappeared. I looked out the window. Cats and dogs were falling through the air. "Look!" I joked. "It's raining cats and dogs!" Hermi looked out the window too.

"Oh, Hagrid's on the roof again." I slapped my forehead.

"It figures," I groaned. "He's throwing animals off the roof, that makes *perfect* sense. Let's get out of here before he starts tossing hippogriffs." We all trooped back to the common room. I thought everything would finally go smoothly, when some purple underwear sailed down the stairs and landed on the chandelier. Ginny chased Gred and Forge down the steps and out of the common rooms, cursing violently and shooting hexes at their backs. We all cracked up again- it was a normal occurrence in Gryffindor Tower.

As we were leaving dinner, Ron pulled me into a secret passageway.

"Listen, Catelyn," he hissed. "There's something fishy going on here."

Oh, crap, I thought. Now what? I tried a joke. "Really? It must be that tuna I ate."

"No, seriously. When you walked into the girls' dorm, you called me and Hermi by name, even though we hadn't been introduced. So what's the story?"

I winced. Busted again. Why me? "Okay. I might as well tell you. But you have to keep this secret on pain of death, do you understand?" Ron nodded. "Right then. I'm really a fanfic author. The name's AIT, you know me. I got sucked through the plot hole, and I can't write myself out because I got cursed and I can't use my powers." I breathed out- it was a relief to tell someone. 

Ron gasped. "Sore wa himitsu desu!"

"Ron, you didn't tell me you knew Japanese!" Ron grinned strangely.

"I wanted it to be a surprise," he joked. What was up with him? One minute he's all suspicious, and the next he's so- come to think of it, what *was* he doing? Something was definitely weird, and I was going to figure out what it was.

~*~TO BE CONTINUED~*~

A/N #2: Heesies, I love cliffhangers! I'll post the next part as soon as I get another challenge… ^**.**^

A/N #3: It's AIT Poll Time! What do you think: Should I keep this story in regular style or write it as a cliché? Tell me your opinion in a review!

A/N #4: And that implies that you must review! So, see this little box? Fill it out and click on that little button under it… thankies!


	2. It Gets Weirder- 3/21/01

That would be a bad thing... Chapter 2!!!  
  
  
  
  
AIT Note: This looks a bit weird cuz i have to put it in txt format and this is the only font i  
can get, but anyway, whatever.   
  
AIT Note #2: Challenge! Hahahaha! So these are the requirements:  
***must be funny, in txt format, and have a plot  
***someone's ears must be cold  
***someone needs to say "Lo, ani lo ohevet ha covah sheloh!" which means "No, I do not love  
your hat!" in Hebrew. :)  
***Molly Weasley needs to mentioned or in the fic (she's cool.)  
***you must write the entire fic without using the name "Harry" *laughs manically*  
***someone needs to chew gum obnoxiously  
***and finally, there must be a striped cat.  
Sooo, on with de ficcy!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
So. There I was, standing in that secret passageway with Ron. Judging from the voices  
from outside, or lack thereof, everyone else had gone to their respective common rooms. A   
breeze blew down the small hallway.   
"My ears are cold," I said. Ron covered them.  
"Better?" he asked. Of course, I couldn't hear him, he was covering my ears. Standing  
in that passageway was really boring, so we left, taking a shortcut. But, as usual, you can't   
take a shortcut in Hogwarts without getting lost. We wound up standing in front of the   
Slytherin common room.  
"Why are we at the Slytherin common room?" I asked.  
"How do you know this is the Slytherin common room?"  
"See the big snake on the door?" I told him, pointing.  
"Oh, yeah," Ron said. "I knew that."  
"Sure you did," I joked. Just then, Malfoy came up behind us, chewing gum. Very loudly.  
"Oh, look," he said. "The Weasel's got a girlfriend. What are you doing here?" Ron  
turned red.   
"Shut up, you great ugly git, or I'll turn you into a ferret!"  
"Ah, go jump in the lake."  
"Why don't you? Do us all a favor!"  
"You really should go, there might be some money down there!"  
"With all *your* money, I'd think you might be able to afford a life!"  
"Go play with your Mudblood friends, you- you-"  
"Out of things to say?"  
"Come on, Ron," I said, pulling him away. "He's not worth our time." And we walked  
away, leaving Malfoy still chewing his gum obnoxiously.  
Since Ron had long ago uncovered my ears, I could hear Hermione scream as we climbed  
through the portrait hole.   
"What?" I asked. "I'm not that ugly, am I?" Hermione held up Crookshanks, who had  
acquired some odd-looking purple stripes.  
"Look at him! Just look! Who in the world would do a thing like this? I-" Suddenly, she  
stopped ranting and glared at the Weasley twins.   
"What?" Fred asked, trying to sound innocent. George poked him.  
"Oy, Fred, I think we've just had a letter from Mum," he said.   
"But don't the owls only come at-"  
"We've got a letter," George repeated, staring at his twin pointedly.  
"Oh, right!" said Fred, catching on. They fled to the boys' dormitory leaving Hermione,  
Ron and me in the common room. Apparently everyone else had gone to bed. Either that or they   
were hiding.  
"Hey, Catelyn," Ron said, "how 'bout a game of chess?"  
"Okay," I agreed. "But I have to warn you, I stink."  
"I'll play whoever wins," Hermione said. I kept thinking we were missing someone, but   
that was soon forgotten. As it turned out, we stayed up most of the night. Hey, we weren't   
tired, what were we supposed to do? Lie around bored out of our minds? (What is this "mind"   
thing, anyway?) So of course we were incredibly tired in Potions the next day. Which was bad.   
Snape had a new hat, which was incredibly ugly. You'd think he'd learn, after that   
boggart episode, but noooo. He has to be stubborn like that. But anyway, this hat was really   
gross. I think i'll spare you the details, but "the ugliest thing I have ever seen" pretty much  
describes it. So of course, Snape was strutting around like he owned the place, asking everyone  
"Don't you just *love* my new hat?" Finally, we couldn't stand it anymore.  
"Lo, ani lo ohevet ha covah sheloh!" Ron shouted, standing up. He walked out of the   
dungeon, the rest of the Gryffindors close behind. Snape was too stunned to speak.  
"Wow, Hebrew too," I said to Ron. "I must say, I'm impressed!" Ron grinned.  
"I guess I'm just a talented person," he said.  
"Hey, we don't have classes the rest of the day," Seamus pointed out. "What should we   
do?" We all thought about it for several minutes. Surprisingly, it was Hermione who came up  
with an idea first.   
"Let's go to Hogsmeade!" she exclaimed. At first we were all shocked. Hermione the  
perfect student, actually suggesting we break the rules? But who cared? We were out of Potions  
class and we had the whole day! So, dodging the ghosts and avoiding Peeves, we made our way to  
Hogsmeade.  
We were all enjoying a nice, warm butterbeer when Molly Weasley walked into the Three  
Broomsticks. Spotting us, she came over and sat down.  
"Hi, Ron! What are you all doing here? I haven't seen any other students," she said.  
"We're, ah, doin a research project," Hermione lied.   
"Well, that's nice." Seeing me, she added, "I see you have a new student."  
"Hi, I'm Catelyn," I told her. "Nice apron!" I said, meaning a checkered one that was   
sitting at the top of her shopping bag. (AIT Note: that was for you METMA Mandy!)  
"Why, thank you, Catelyn," she said. "Well, I have lots more shopping to do, so I'd   
best be going. I'll see you all later!" And she left, with the little bells on the door ringing  
quietly after her.  
"That was close," Dean said. We all agreed. After visiting Zonko's for some dungbombs   
to let off in the Slytherin common rooms and sending a few owls, we headed back to Hogwarts.  
We noticed a teacher standing at the door, so we joined the Ravenclaw Quidditch team returning  
from practice, pretending we had been watching them.   
The first- and second- years were all anxious to hear about our little adventure, so of  
course we told them the story. Who can resist an admiring audience? But that proved to be a big  
mistake...  
  
  
  
  
  
  
AIT Note #3 (or is it 4?): Hahahahahaha, cliffhanger! Hee... evilness is fuuunnnnn.....  
AIT Note #4 (5?): If you are a nice person then you shall review and then AIT shall be happy.   
If you do not review then AIT will be very mad at you. And everyone knows it is best not to  
anger a fanfic author who lives on reviews. (well, sugar too...) 


	3. Just Plain Weird- 5/10/01

That Would Be A Bad Thing- Part 3!!!!!  
  
  
AIT Note: I misseded the last challenge! Bad fanfic author, very bad! *hits herself over the  
head with a rolled-up newspaper* owieeeeee! that was not pleasant! damn sunday edition...   
owwwwww..... so. anyway. guess what? (All: WHAT?) Time for the requirements!  
***must be in txt format and funny  
***must include ducks (AIT Note: Woohooo!!)  
***Fred and George must give Mrs. Weasley a "Mother's Day gift"  
***a potato must be used as a weapon  
***there must be an evil *white* cat. (heh...)  
***must include the phrase, "Facilis descensus Averni", which is latin for "Easy descent into  
Hell."  
***Martha Stewart must have a cameo  
Sooooo. There you have it. On wit da fiiiiiiic! *smiles*  
  
  
  
It was later that day, at dinner. We didn't know it yet, but the situation was about  
to change. A lot.   
Harry came running into the Great Hall and collapsed into a seat. "Sorry," he  
panted, "I overslept again."  
"It figures," Ron groaned. "Dreaming about Cho again?" Harry punched Ron on the arm.  
"Shut up, Weasley, or I'll tell the whole school about *your* crush." They were   
staring daggers at each other when Snape stood up.  
"Students," he said, "today, several students skipped my Potions class. I have been  
informed that they visited Hogsmeade unauthorized. All fifth-year Gryffindors will report to  
my office for detention immediately after dinner."  
"But I didn't do anything!" Harry protested.  
"Those rats!" Ron fumed. A voice cut through the commotion. It was Malfoy.  
"Hah! Take that, you Mudblood filth!" Hermione stood up and jumped on the table,   
seizing a baked potato.  
"Take that back, Malfoy!"  
Malfoy jumped onto his table. "Make me, Mudblood!"  
"All right, Malfoy, you asked for it." With the whole school watching, Hermione flung  
the potato across the hall. It hit Malfoy right in the face, causing him to topple over into  
a large bowl of tomato soup. He rolled off the table and slowly stood up, his robes dripping  
with soup. Wordlessly, he picked up another potato, studied it for a second, and flung it   
towards the Gryffindor table. It landed on top of a seventh-year's head. For a moment there   
was silence. Then the Great Hall erupted as students grabbed handfuls of food threw them   
every which way. Rolls, potatoes, pasta flew through the air towards random destinations. One  
Ravenclaw student got a bowl of soup over the head, causing a huge stampede towards the   
Slytherin table. Armed with potatoes, I battled my way through the fighting crowd until I   
faced Malfoy.   
"What?" He glared at me.  
"Nobody insults my friends and gets away with it," I declared.  
"Oh yeah?" Malfoy sneered. "What are *you* going to do about it?"  
I held up the potato. "This," I replied, and threw it straight at his head. There was  
a pause as he flailed his arms, and then he fell straight over backwards. A roll fell out of  
the air and bounced off his nose. I laughed, grabbed some pasta, and fought my way back to   
the Gryffindor table, still grinning.  
An hour later, everyone lay sprawled on the ground, covered in food- or at least   
something that resembled food. Martha Stewart wandered in, looking confused, took one look  
around, and shrieked.  
"EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! That is NOT the proper way to serve baked potatoes!!!" She ran  
screaming from the hall. Ron sat up and looked at me.  
"Well," I said, "that was..."  
"Scary," Ron supplied.  
"Thank you."  
"Students, may I have your attention please?" Dumbledore stood up, removing a bit of  
pasta from his glasses. "It seems that you've all been- erm- punished enough, so the fifth-  
year Gryffindors may forego detention." All the students stood up and left, probably for the  
showers, scraping food from their hair and robes. Finally, only a few of us were left. Fred   
and George had conjured up a box and were shoveling food into it.   
"What in the world are you *doing*?" I asked them.  
"Sending it to Mum," Fred said.  
"Yeah," added George. "That was fun. We reckon Mum should make this sometime!"  
Shaking my head, I joined Harry, Ron and Hermione as we headed back up to Gryffindor  
Tower.  
Halfway there, Hermione stopped suddenly. "Do you smell something?"  
"It wasn't me," Harry said quickly. I sniffed the air.  
"That's odd," I remarked, "I think it's bleach!" Just then, Mrs. Norris trotted  
around the corner. Instead of her usual dust-gray, she was now a blinding white. The eeeevil  
white cat stopped in front of us, blinked a few times, and dashed off to get Filch.  
"Oh, great," said Hermione, "another detention. Exactly what we need after getting   
*out* of one."  
"Let's run," suggested Harry. We did, all the way up to the Fat Lady's portrait.   
"What did you do *now*?"  
"Never mind- gillyweed!" The portrait swung forward and we headed up to our dorms to  
get our things for the showers.  
  
Care of Magical Creatures the next day was a bit strange. Hagrid gave us his usual   
"be careful with these, they don' like bein' poked much" speech, and then he brought out a   
large crate. Everyone groaned, but looked inside anyway. What we saw was shocking, all right.  
Inside were several three-foot-tall, purple-  
"DUCKS??????"  
"Yeh, I found 'em on the lake this mornin'. Though' it migh' be fun ter see wha'   
they're like." We figured it was better than skrewts, so we headed inside the cabin to get   
something to feed them. Suddenly we realized that several of the Slytherins were missing.  
"Ooooh, I think they're skipping," Lavender said.   
Ron made a face. "Facilis descensus averni," he remarked. I stared.  
"Latin too?"  
"Yep, and I meant it. Skipping Hagrid's class is Not. Good." Suddenly, there was a  
loud commotion from outside. We ran to see what it was. Lying on the ground was an enormous,  
blue-and-green striped egg. Dumbledore walked up with Hagrid just as we saw it.   
"Oh... my... goodness..." Dumbledore gasped, staring at the ducks, Hagrid, and the   
egg. "Hagrid, do you know what these creatures *are*?"  
  
  
  
~TO BE CONTINUED~  
  
Another AIT Note: Ha! Cliffhanger again! Evilness, it's fun, yes it is.....   
  
Yet another AIT Note: I missed the previous challenge, i sowwy.... *sniffies*  
  
And another AIT Note: Join the AMSS! (it stands for Anti-Mary Sue Society) The name kind of   
explains it, and yes it is a bit hyper. Well, really, *I* started it, what did you expect?  
Sanity? I thought not...  
  
The very last AIT Note: REVIEW! Or else I shall pluck yonder dagger from the air, and slice  
thy cursed head off! (AIT's been at Macbeth rehearsal again....) ANYway, REVIEW! And have a  
hyperiffically funnyness day!!!!!!!! 


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